Quarterly Goals Update

The title of today's post is kind of a misnomer. I will be giving an update on the quarterly goals "series," but it's not the kind of update you'd expect.

Actually, the whole update can be summed up as quarterly goals will be suspended indefinitely. Details are below the break if you are interested, if not, that last sentence is what it all boils down too anyway.

Why suspend quarterly goals?
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I have mentioned the fact I am attempting to heal from chronic burnout a few times before. I thought I would be able to work throughout the process if I simply backed off a bit, but I ended up going about it the wrong way. To make a long story short, I ended up accidentally making things worse instead of better.

It kind of goes back to the "black and white thinking" thing. I give myself goals, and not meeting them becomes utter failure in my mind, even though I know intellectually that is not the case. Part of me, the illogical, emotionally driven part, still sees being "perfect" and "useful" and "highly productive" as the only way I will ever be accepted enough to be tolerated let alone loved. So, I pile a mountain of stress on myself to meet all of these expectations, and even the slightest hint I will fall short is devastating.

You might be able to tell from the hit or miss nature of the articles and flash fics over the past few weeks, my productivity has not been the best. Unfortunately, that hasn't been the half of it. As my burnout symptoms continued to worsen, what executive function I retained began to crumble.

​Something had to give.

What changed?
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As the school year came to a close, it became clear I was not the only one in the house suffering from burnout to one degree or another. The past few years have been rough for my eldest, and the pressure of realizing high school begins in the fall did not help matters.

Funny how it is easier to see what supports are needed for someone else. Thankfully, C. L. isn't shy about turning my advice for others back on me when needed.

So I began seeking support a couple weeks back. Because of this, I was able to realize the excessive pressure I was placing on myself and some unconscious self-sabotage going on in the form of overly ambitious to do lists thanks to the time blindness that can come with ADHD. Combine that with executive dysfunction and the paralytic of perfectionism, and it is no wonder I was constantly "falling down on the job."

I am suspending the quarterly goals until I have made significant improvement. What does that mean? For me, it means having more good brain days than bad again. It means being able to go through the week with my normal activity levels without ending up bedridden with a migraine, ear infection, or cold immediately thereafter. It means being able to get up and get at least the bare minimum done without needing to be nagged or setting a dozen reminders.

How I am going to go about this exactly is still undecided. I am beginning with cognitive behavioral therapy to try and build coping skills that are healthier than the ones I cobbled together instinctively as a kid, and as I learn, I will be teaching my girls in the hopes they will grow up healthier and stronger than I did.

I am trying to figure out who I am without the "mask" I have always used to blend in, and I am actively reminding myself it's okay to stim when I realize I am suppressing them again.

Medications are something I was raised to be afraid of, but after researching on my own, I have begun to realize most of those fears were either outdated or completely unfounded. I am unsure if any will be needed, but I am no longer allowing the fear of medications to keep me from seeking help.

Hopefully, with all of this combined, I will be able to make significant improvement over the next few months to a year and begin regaining skills I have lost in bits and pieces over the last decade. Hopefully I will have a better understanding and ability to help my children build healthy coping skills. Hopefully I will start feeling like a productive human being again.

What does this have to do with writing?
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Admittedly, today's post does not have a huge amount to do with writing or publishing, but burnout and mental health issues do seem to crop up within the creative community on a semi-regular basis. With the work habits many of us develop working around day jobs or schooling or families or a combination thereof, it is no surprise. So, it can be helpful to have these discussions from time to time.

The last time I got anywhere near as burned out and anxious and depressed as I have been over the last year or so, I tried to throw in the towel for anything and everything creative. It was unproductive in the extreme, throwing me into a deep depression that nearly destroyed me. I've seen the first warning signs of something similar happening to my eldest, and I'd rather rip my own right arm off than let her go through that same pain. So, we're taking a different tack, one not driven by fear, ignorance, and arrogant "self-sufficiency" the way that earlier decision was made.

I'm practicing what I preach. How can I tell her to "be gentle with yourself" if I go after myself with a bullwhip in the same breath? How can I encourage her to reach out if I avoid and refuse all help myself? How can I expect her to develop healthy coping skills if I cling to ones I know are not just unhelpful but actively self-destructive?

I am taking a step back in order to be better in the long run. I am removing these self-imposed deadlines and pressures in order to leave room for joy again.